Special Services (We’ll Pretend to Care)
At FlyAndCry Airlines, we offer a range of exclusive services designed to give you the illusion of dignity — at a price.
Assisted Mobility
Can’t walk? Neither can our customer service standards.
For just $149.99, one of our part-time interns will pretend to know where to push your wheelchair.
Note: wheelchair may be replaced with an office chair depending on availability.
Unaccompanied Minors
We take special care of kids flying alone by:
– Forgetting them at the gate
– Assigning them a “buddy” from among the other unsupervised minors
– Occasionally feeding them peanuts from the floor
Fee: $249.00 (Includes tracking number!)
Emotional Support Animals
Allowed on board if:
– They’re smaller than a sock
– They don’t make eye contact with the crew
– They don’t expect to survive the flight
Handling fee: $99.00
Transporting Human Remains
Yes, we do it.
No, we won’t say where.
Fee: $1999.99
Discount if you book two tickets and carry your loved one as a “sleeping” companion.
Spiritual Counseling (NEW!)
Need comfort before takeoff?
For $9.99, a cabin crew member will whisper “It’s out of our hands now…” while maintaining eye contact.
Locked Lavatory Escape Assistance
Got trapped again? For $29.99, we’ll send someone within the hour (possibly with a crowbar).
Pretend VIP Experience
Includes:
– A random passenger calling you “Sir” once
– A hot towel we stole from another airline
– A 3-second applause from the crew (pre-recorded)
Price: $799.00
Fake Wedding in the Aisle
For $499.00, you and a stranger can be pronounced “barely compatible” by a tired flight attendant.
Optional certificate on a napkin: $29.99
In-Flight Therapy Punching Bag
We hang a rubber pilot dummy in the back galley. Punch all you want.
$19.99 per round or unlimited access for $49.99
For $500, you can beat the crap out of a real pilot.
Priority Disappointment™
Board first. Get ignored first.
Only $79.00
