What awaits you in the sky (besides regret)
Welcome aboard FlyAndCry Airlines, where every minute in the air feels like a week in purgatory. Forget comfort. Forget service. Remember only pain.
Seating
All seats recline into disappointment
Upholstery: 40% vinyl, 60% crushed dreams
Row 27 is missing. Row 13 is cursed. Row 18 vibrates for no reason
Please wear the metal tag with a number found in your seat pocket around your neck. It helps identify your remains — or the last place your patience died
In-Flight Meals
Hot meals available only on flights over 12 hours — and only if you bring your own microwave
Free food options include:
– Mystery gray
– Almost chicken
– Cold hope
Beverages (including water and air) are sold separately
We release the smell of food into the cabin free of charge. Actual good food is available only if everyone chips in
Hidden Surprises
Check under your seat carefully. Someone’s seat contains a used needle of unknown origin. Someone else’s — a piece of gum. You may chew it, but please return it where you found it
Entertainment
One shared screen in row 5 playing nonstop FlyAndCry merchandise ads
Headphones not provided
All programming pauses every 6 minutes to request tips
Some screens display live footage from the lavatory. For an extra fee, we can stop showing it — or stop showing you
Restrooms
One per aircraft, behind a locked door labeled “Maintenance”
Toilet paper is rationed: four squares per passenger
A camera may or may not be watching
Crew
Our flight attendants are highly trained in ignoring you with precision
Uniforms made from recycled complaints
Language spoken: passive aggression
Their main mission is to survive the shift
Duty-Free
Regret-inducing souvenirs at unbelievable prices
Discounts for passengers already crying
Arrival
Sudden
Sometimes in the right city
Always on our terms
We’ve never had a single aircraft that didn’t eventually end up on the ground
Safety Note
Think flying is scary? With us, sitting is terrifying enough
