Baggage

Includes:

• The right to argue with gate staff
• A bag if you can fully fit it inside your mouth or rectum (yes, seriously — we’ll check)

Carry-on:
– Permitted only via anatomical containment
Checked baggage:
– Up to 3kg, but must be disassembled and wrapped in newspaper
Prohibited items include:
– Joy
– Dignity
– Fabric softener

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Includes:

• 1 carry-on item (must be transparent, ≤7kg)
• 1 checked bag (≤12kg) — you must carry it on your head during boarding

Additional charges:

• $10 per zipper
• $20 if the bag is colorful
• $15 if it “smells too optimistic”

Random inspections may include:
– Bag reclassification as “emotional risk”
– Emotional support surcharge ($29 flat)

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Includes:

• 1 carry-on (10kg) if it only contains food and despair
• 1 checked bag allowed only if you sign a waiver renouncing all hope
• Mandatory confrontation with airport security (scripted but unpredictable)

Feature	NoBaggage™	SmartFare™	PremiumFare™	ExistentialFare™
Carry-on allowed	❌	✅*	✅	✅
Checked baggage	❌	✅ (3kg max)	✅ (12kg)	✅ (only pain food)
Hidden anatomical check	❌	✅	❌	✅ (random)
Probability of tears	95%	98%	87%	110%
Ability to walk normally	✅	Maybe	After therapy	Spiritually no

• “Internal Transport Special”
  Bring anything for free — if you can store it fully inside your body.
  Must be demonstrated convincingly.
  
• “Crying Fridays”
  One free checked item if you cry in front of a check-in agent for at least 45 seconds.
  
• “No Baggage, No Complaints”
  $3 discount if you sign a legal waiver agreeing not to file complaints, ever.
  
• “FlyAndCry Roulette™”
  Win a baggage upgrade if your suitcase spontaneously triggers an airport security lockdown.
  

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Lost luggage is only considered “lost” after:

• 90 days
• Two full moons
• A written apology from the CEO (never issued)

Until then, we consider your suitcase “in a state of quantum uncertainty.”