What is this?
INCHES™ is a unique loyalty program for the most desperate and resilient passengers of FlyAndCry Airlines.
Forget miles. Miles are for the glamorous, the elite, the well-adjusted.
You’re with us.
We give you inches.
Every trip with FlyAndCry takes you further from comfort — but closer to a deeply unsatisfying reward.
How do you earn inches?
- For every kilometer flown, you earn 0.039 INCHES (roughly 1 inch per 25 km).
- Delayed flight? +10 bonus INCHES.
- Lost baggage? +25 INCHES and mild emotional trauma.
- Landed in the wrong country? +50 INCHES and a story to cry about.
Inches are only credited if you survive the flight and don’t sue us.
Status tiers
| Status | Inches | “Benefits” (loosely speaking) |
| WOOD Class | 0–999 | Free opportunity to watch others receive actual perks |
| CARPET Bronze™ | 1000–2999 | One “sorry” from a crew member per year |
| GLASS Silver™ | 3000–5999 | Right to ask questions (answers not guaranteed) |
| PLASTIC Gold™ | 6000–9999 | Blurry photo from the cockpit |
| REGRET Platinum™ | 10000+ | We officially acknowledge your existence |
Sample rewards catalog
| Reward | Inches required |
| Crunchy bag of peanuts | 100 |
| Seat not near the toilet | 800 |
| FNC lighter (non-functional) | 1200 |
| “I survived FNC” postcard | 1800 |
| 10% off voucher (if approved) | 3000 |
| Paper wreath with “LOYAL” written on it | 5000 |
| One free flight to somewhere you didn’t ask for | 8000 |
| VIP baggage access (if we find it) | 10000 |
All rewards are unreliable, may change at any time, or be replaced with nothing.
FAQ
Q: How do I join?
A: Just buy a ticket. You’re in. No password, no control.
Q: How do I check my balance?
A: We mail occasional statements. On paper. To Moldova.
Q: Can I convert inches to miles?
A: No. Not even metaphorically.
Q: What if I reach 100,000 inches?
A: We’ll ban you. That’s a disturbing level of commitment.
Special bonuses
+50 INCHES – if you submitted and withdrew a complaint
+100 INCHES – for general hopelessness
x2 multiplier – if you liked our apology tweet from last year
Your loyalty card
It looks like a metro ticket from 1997.
Bad lamination, misaligned text.
Back side quote:
“Fly. Cry. Repeat.”