Journalist: Good afternoon. Thanks for agreeing to talk. How did you become a pilot?
Pilot: Got any food?
Journalist: Uh… right. Can you walk us through a typical workday?
Pilot: Day? Night? Where am I? Got a dollar?
Journalist: You’ve spent years in the air. What do you enjoy most about flying?
Pilot: The sausages from business class… I just smell them. They won’t let me eat them.
Journalist: What’s the most challenging part of your job?
Pilot: Everything’s hard when you’re hungry. Especially remembering which pedal is the brake.
Journalist: How do you handle stress?
Pilot: Sometimes I cry into the headset. Sometimes I beg for snacks over the intercom. Occasionally it works.
Journalist: What would you say to passengers who are afraid to fly?
Pilot: Give me a dollar and I’ll say something. Or a sandwich.
Journalist: How would you describe safety standards at FlyAndCry Airlines?
Pilot: Safety is like dinner. When it’s there — great. When it’s not — well, we make do. Where am I again?
Journalist: You’re in an interview.
Pilot: This isn’t the galley?
Journalist: No. Final question: any future plans?
Pilot: Eat. Think. Maybe fly somewhere. Hopefully not back to that hangar with the leaking roof.
Editor’s note: The pilot was grounded 17 minutes after this interview. His replacement is a janitor who, at the very least, knows which end of the plane points forward.
If you’d like to help feed our pilots (and maybe improve flight accuracy by 12–17%), please visit our Panhandling section. Every crumb counts.